There is no perfect relationship. There are good times and difficult times. Sometimes the difficulty we have with the person that is dying keeps us from being at the bedside. We are uncomfortable, angry, hurt, and often unforgiving. We find it easier to avoid, rather than confront, whatever has come between us, so we stay away. Then, when death comes, the guilt we carry because of those unresolved issues compounds our grief.
Dear Barbara, there’s a phenomenon I see every so often when I’m doing hospice care. A close family member, a spouse, parent, or child, will totally back away from the dying process, sometimes to the extreme of not being with the patient at all. Then, when it’s all over, they totally fall apart. The situation becomes all about their grief and loss. How would you deal with this?
There are so many reasons for this kind of behavior and each individual situation requires a different approach. I think fear keeps some family and significant others from being with their person as the end of life approaches. They are afraid of what dying and death will look like so they stay away. Here we can help by teaching about the dying process, offering support and guidance. Our function with most of our families is to neutralize the fear around dying and death that they bring to the bedside. Yet sometimes no matter how supportive and instructive we are, we do not reach the individual.
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